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Preparation Anxiety
by Joey Green

Posted on: January 2, 2016 • Originally published in The American Bystander

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Chance of a quake in LA before is 99%. Where you live, maybe zombies or sharknado.

Call me crazy, but I’ve done nothing whatsoever to prepare for the inevitable zombie apocalypse, alien invasion, and melting of the polar ice caps destined to turn our happy little planet into Dante’s fifth circle of hell sometime next Thursday. So when a Polar Vortex knocks out the electricity for hundreds of miles in every direction, making my ten-speed blender and microwave oven completely useless, when a torrential Frankenstorm drenches all my firewood, and when I realize that silly me neglected to fill the propane tank for the barbecue grill, how, you may ask, will I ever stay warm and cook up a box of macaroni and cheese to brighten up my Doomsday?

For starters, I’ll pop open a bag of Doritos, which stay nice and dry in the Mylar bag, and then use the corn chips as kindling to light a fire. The crushed dry corn chips, saturated with oil, burn long enough and strong enough to dry wet firewood and get a campfire going. I call them Genuine Flaming Hot Doritos. By the way, if you want a romantic evening and you don’t have a fireplace, just turn to your loved one and whisper, “Honey, what do you say we pop open a bag of Doritos?”

I don’t own a canoe, inflatable motorized life raft, or flare gun, but should floodwater come raging down my street, I won’t be waiting helplessly on my roof for a helicopter to rescue me. I’ll simply remove my bedroom door from its hinges, strap fifty empty 2-liter soda bottles to one side with duct tape, and go floating merrily down the stream. But not before setting a folding beach chair on top of it for comfort and creating an oar by unscrewing a broomstick from the bristles and duct taping a Ping Pong paddle to one end of it.

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