Preparation Anxiety
by Joey Green

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If the Martians invade and they spray all that noxious Martian vapor around, which could happen any moment, or if you accidentally find yourself at some big protest like Occupy Walmart, and you get a face full of tear gas, pepper spray, or Glade air freshener, you’ll need a gas mask—pronto. If you don’t happen to carry a gas mask wherever you go, you can saturate a bandana with vinegar and hold it up in front of your face. Or, to fashion a more stylish gas mask, use a pair of scissors to cut a clean, empty plastic soda bottle in half on a diagonal, discard the bottom half, turn the top half upside-down, and fill it with cotton balls. Pour in vinegar to dampen the cotton, and hold the bottle to cover your nose and mouth. Poof! Instant gas mask—and a trendsetting fashion statement to boot. The vinegar neutralizes those nasty fumes and, with a little luck, may even repel those nasty Martians.

Have you ever fallen off a cruiseship in the middle of the ocean (or been pushed overboard by a spurned lover or jealous husband) and suddenly realized, “Oops! I don’t have a life vest!”? If that scenario seems higly unlikely, consider this: The chances of that cruiseship smashing unexpectedly into an errant iceberg, getting hit by a tsunami and flipping upside down, or capsizing after the drunken captain steers too close to shore and collides into underwater rocks are better than the odds of catching the common cold (based on statistics I recently fabricated to instill fear). But when you do find yourself in that unfortunate situation, you can easily fashion a lifevest while treading water—if you remove a shoelace from one of your soggy shoes and retrieve two condoms from your backpocket.

Unblog the first condom and inflate it like a balloon. When the condom reaches the size of a watermelon, knot the free end. Tie one end of the shoelace above the knot. Repeat with the second condom. Slip the shoelace around your waist, and position the inflated condoms so you look like Jane Russell. The water displacement created by the buoyant and surprisingly durable latex balloons will keep you safely afloat—demonstrating that condoms can save your life in more ways than one.

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Copyright © 2015 Joey Green. All rights reserved.
Reprinted from The American Bystander.


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